A critique on Harry Potter's BS
by StormCrownSr
Summary: Have you ever been reading at 3 am and just had one of those moments where you think to yourself 'huh, that makes no sense? Well you're in luck because so have, so I'm going to piling some of those very thoughts into this handy dandy 'story' that will in no way piss anyone off... There are no refunds.
1. Nitpicks and where to name them

Author's notes; I will be publishing some 'chapters' in the form of what I hope to be comedic critiques on the Harry Potter source material, be they from the books, movies or even the Pottermore.

If there is one thing, I never understood about the Harry Potter mythos it's the Black names, no I'm serious, how is that they are all named after constellations? Now, you might be thinking, "Storm, the hell do you mean? The Blacks are a very traditional and old family, why wouldn't they have a weird and eccentric naming conventions? Lots of real people do it!" Well dear reader, it's not so much the eccentricity that bothers me, it's the names. Specifically of the constellations. How did the magical world come to use the same names as the muggles for the constellations?

It makes no sense, it has been shown in various media and just in history in general, the further back you go, the more bigoted humanity becomes. So, you're telling me that the Blacks, whose family motto is 'Toujours Pur', Latin meaning 'Always Pure' use names of stars who were named by muggles? That makes no sense. Just look at Walburga Black, she screams about filthy blood traitors being in her home. Imagine what she'd say about muggles being in her homes? But no, she and her entire family, never realized they were named after muggle astronomers…

Does this not piss off the rest of you at all? Next you'll be telling me Voldemort used the common name Tom, the name he hated so much to fashion his new one… Son of a-


	2. Abuse and how not to write it

Harry Potter and the diminishing of abuse

Now we're getting into some good stuff, forget name quarrels we are going right into the deep end and we are not coming out of it until we address the elephant in the cupboard. Harry Potter is not how people turn out as abuse victims! He's not even close, case in point, Dobby the house elf;

Dobby is the textbook example of what happens to abuse victims, he's twitchy, erratic and a broken being. He doesn't believe in himself and thinks he deserves everything he gets from the Malfoys. Then he meats 'The great and powerful Harry Potter sir' and gets a metaphorical bomb dropped on him. Not everyone is a Malfoy. He isn't shouted at, he isn't beaten, he isn't berated for every menial and trivial thing that goes wrong, but most importantly, he's treated like an equal by someone that knows what it's like to be treated like a slave, even if he doesn't realize it.

Where as Harry is relatively fine, the boy who is treated like a house elf by his aunt and uncle and like a punching bag by his cousin, which is encouraged by his parents, mind you. People don't turn out into fine members of society with childhoods like that. Now I know the Dursleys were based on real people Rowling sometimes had to stay at. But here is the thing, she stayed there sometimes, she didn't live there and therefore knew it was wrong the way they treated her. But how is Harry supposed to know it's wrong? No one around him seems to mind it so why isn't it normal?

The only thing that comes close for Harry in showing his abused childhood nature is his untrusting of others, which could also just be attributed to the shitty adults he's surrounded by.

Don't even get me started on Severus Snape, at least James Potter had the pathetic excuse of being the same age as Snape.


	3. How to not run a school: for dummies

Have you thought to yourself 'wow, Hogwarts is not only a shitty school that has rampant bullying problems, but the staff is absolutely shit at it's job of keeping their students safe'? Well you're not the only one. Let's start from the top and work our way down.

*Albus Dumbledore*, headmaster of the school and the second worst headmaster of known time, beaten only by Umbridge's short reign. It's abhorring what this man does to get what he wants. Like for instance hiding an object you know the most dangerous dark lord of all time covets in your school and then not tells the students where it is but also doesn't even lock the door with anything that couldn't be picked by a first year's alohomora! Not to mention the defences you set up were bypassed by three first years!

And then we get to the chamber of secrets debacle, oh what's that? A student gets petrified? Oh well then you notify the aurors, right Dumbledore? No! Not only does he not notify the authorities he hides it from the papers! Does he close it at the 2nd petrification, at least like, temporarily? Or bare minimum has the students be confined to a specific subsect of the castle? No, of course not he just has the students use the buddy system… Look, if I were to list all the errors of Dumbledore we'd be here all day so I'll just leave you with this; Sirius Black, who killed 12 muggles with a single spell, broke into Hogwarts and Dumbledore didn't send the students home.

*Minerva McGonagall* deputy headmistress of Hogwarts and the woman that should have been fired ages ago, at least Snape doesn't care so he has that excuse, but McGonagall does care, but she does nothing to help her students, in fact she actively tries to harm them on multiple occasions, giving Hermione a time turner, A TIME TURNER to attend all the electives has to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard and I know a guy that raises a child for slaughter.

McGonagall never tries to help her students, as shown in Harry's 4th year when Harry is bullied by pretty much the entire school and she does nothing, or in his 5th when she tells Harry to just "keep his head down and let her torture you". She's quirky like that.

*Pomona Sprout* is the head of house Hufflepuff, outside of the shame she lets happen to her house by other students belittling her badgers she is clearly unable to stomach the fact that her badgers have mean teeth and sometimes need to be reined in, ala 1994-1995.

*Filius Flitwick* head of house Ravenclaw and the most clueless head of house out there if Luna Lovegood's rampant bullying is anything to go by.

*Severus Snape* head of house Slytherin and resident bully. Snape is what you get when you're a pathetic little tosser who takes childhood aggressions out on children as young as 11. He belittles and borderline tortures his students, no where is that as clear as Neville Longbottom and his boggart. This boy, who had his parents tortured until they were vegetables, is the most afraid of Snape… Not of ending up like his parents, not of his parents essentially killers, Snape. Let that sink in.

But that's not all Snape's guilty of, besides turning off countless potential potion brewers with his awful behaviour and harassment in class, he also encourages his snakes to be racist bullies. And no, the excuse of 'he's a triple agent' is not good enough. This man should not be let within 100 meters of a child, much less teach them. Which, he doesn't, he just scribbles something on a chalkboard and tells his students to do it, they have two hours. That's not teaching, that's endangering your students, how many explosions have happened in his class and how many could have been preventable if he had just done his job?

This all pales in comparison to his treatment of one Harry Potter, the son of his childhood bully and his obsession. Because he doesn't love Lily Evans, if he did, he wouldn't treat Harry like that, do you think Snape was welcomed into the afterlife by Lily? No, she probably tried to put in the after-after life. This man was an abhorrent little toe rag that bullied his students to the point of them hating his subject, scared his students to the point of their boggarts being Snape himself and why did he do all this? Because he had it rough as a kid, but he doesn't seem to realize he's be no better than James Potter.

He'd be wrong even if he did realize it, because at least James had the pathetic excuse of being the same age as Snape when they went at each other's throats. I know I mentioned it in the last chapter, but it bears repeating.

*Then there are the following*

Had Voldemort in the back of his head

Didn't know anything except the date rape spell

He was alright but couldn't remember to take his potion

Death eater fooled the headmaster, even though they were close friends

Tortured her students to the point of PTSD

Bullied his students to the point of hating his subject

Was almost as bad as Umbridge.

*Argus Filch* He liked Umbridge, enough said. Also, his obsession with medieval torture tools.

I'm only covering teachers that have real say and power and or Filch who's the caretaker.

That and the DADA post is just filled with incompetent teachers and Remus.


End file.
